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La grande scommessa.

Questo post non segue un preciso ordine cronologico. Nasce da un impulso di trascrivere una sensazione che temo svanirà se non la disporrò come meglio posso, nero su bianco. Chi vorrà intendere, lo potrà fare. Chi crede che il dolore, non possa generare qualcosa di positivo, si troverà ad avere torto.

La situazione nella quale mi trovo, vi sarà capitata con altre sfumature. Ma il nocciolo della questione è il medesimo. Immaginate di avere un’idea non condivisa da chi vi sta attorno. Dentro di voi sentite la vostra verità, ma agli occhi degli altri appare come menzogna, poco credibile, inaffidabile, non condivisibile appunto. All’inizio avete in serbo molte energie per portare avanti la vostra causa, ma giudizio dopo giudizio, discussione dopo discussione… arrivate ad un punto nel quale vi sentite stremati e perdete un po’ di fiducia nella vostra idea,  vi allontanate sempre di più, smettete di crederci anche voi. Quel punto di sconfitta interiore è fondamentale. Ti porta ad accettare il fatto che la tua idea non debba per forza di cosa essere approvata da chiunque. È un bisogno inutile tuo, non degli altri. Chi ti circonda continuerà a portare avanti le sue idee, senza intaccare il vostro rapporto se questa idea non vi lega od incide direttamente.

In questi tre anni di malattia sono arrivata alla fine della battaglia sfinita ed esausta. Piagnucolando alla disperata ricerca di comprensione e condivisione di un’idea che appartenava unicamente a me. Avevo smesso di crederci. Avevo riposto le forze che mi restavano nel cassetto. “Appeso i guanti al chiodo”.

Ma è proprio quando perdi completamente le speranze che capisci che la battaglia che stai combattendo porta solo ad un auto-eliminazione.

Ho lottato per tanto contro me stessa senza rendermene conto. Credo che la distorsione visiva che avevo del mio corpo, funzionasse come specchio della mia persona. Non riuscivo a vedermi come realmente ero. Credevo che vedendo ciò che ero, avrei finito per odiarmi giudicandomi sbagliata. Ho toccato il fondo, mi è servito molto tempo per risalire dalla fossa che mi ero scavata. Ma ci sto riuscendo e ne sono orgogliosa.

Mi ero arresa all’idea che avere un padre fosse un bisogno sbagliato e incolmabile. Oggi posso dire il contrario. Ho faticato 24anni per comprendere che in realtà bastava aprirsi un po’ di più e non agire tenendo perennemente le difensive. Giustificando gli sbagli in “non cambierà mai”. È vero, non accadrà. Ma continuare a non credere, essere prevenuti, privarsi, reprimere i proprio bisogni.. farà peggio e porterà la persona ad identificarsi in quello sbaglio. È come quando venivo etichettata come ‘anoressica’. La mia persona, chi ero e chi ero stata era svanita. Io ero il mio male. Ho finito per diventare un tutt’uno con lui. Dividersi è stato difficile.’

Io mi sono divisa dall’idea idilliaca di famiglia. Sto imparando a rispettare i miei bisogni ed a comunicarli. Questa strada si è trasformata da salita in discesa senza che me ne rendessi conto. Ho smesso di ricercare quella comprensione.. ho aperto quel cassetto e ripreso quelle energie e quelle idee da sostenere. Non pretendo di farle combaciare alla perfezione. Cerco di trovare il giusto incastro con chi mi sta attorno.

Da quando ho ripreso a lavorare, ho pranzato quasi ogni giorno con mio padre. Ho riscoperto il piacere di avere un contesto lavorativo sereno. Ho recuperato del tempo perso. Sono andata al cinema a vedere “La grande scommessa”. È ironico, non avrei potuto vedere un altro film con lui se non uno inerente a denaro e crisi economica. Ora ci rido sopra. Ma è piacevole e rassicurante essere arrivata al punto di saper di poter fare affidamento sotto alcuni aspetti. Non pretendo la perfezione. Se sbaglierà, sò che non lo farà di proposito. In ogni caso, non mi tirerò indietro nel comunicare un mio dissenso perché lui è il Papà e non può sbagliare. Sbagliamo tutti a qualsiasi età. C’è chi impara dai propri errori, chi è recidivo. Mio padre fa parte dell’ultimo gruppo.

Io voglio essere recidiva nel voler credere. Un credere in senso ampio. Un credere multiforme che tutti dovrebbero possedere. Abbandonare la malattia significa darsi l’opportunità di vincere questa scommessa. Smettere di avere paura del silenzio dei propri pensieri. La grande scommessa è credere in sé stessi. È la responsabilità più grande che si possa scegliere di prendere.

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1.549 pensieri su “La grande scommessa.”

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  240. Sie sehen, auch ohne den CFD Handel bei der Consorsbank können Sie von den Vorteilen von Hebelprodukten profitieren und
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  241. It is on the part of the NC Personal Injury Attorneys that he keeps the victim and his family regularly updated about the legal proceedings in the court. If a statute is expressly repealed by the legislature, but some of its provisions are at the same time re-enacted, the re-enacted provisions continue in force without interruption. Make sure you are on top of any communications about your claim.

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  245. The agent asks for a performance cost, which runs from 15.
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  246. Der direkte Handel mit Devisen am FX-Markt bietet gewisse Vorteile wie unter anderem
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  250. CFD Broker – unter denen sich auch immer mehr etablierte deutsche Onlinebroker befinden – eröffnen Konten bereits
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  251. Absicherung von CFD-Positionen mit Optionen wird häufig
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  253. Der Wert einer CFD-Position, vorausgesetzt der Hebel wird in Anspruch genommen, ist dabei größer
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  255. So ist das Trading mit CFDs einer breiteren Masse an Anlegern zugänglich und auch diejenigen, pass away über kein großes
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